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Recommended Reading: Of Youth and Lovers Gearing up for Sex:Tech (which starts in two days!) I came across the sex week postings on a website called The Next Great Generation. It's a marketing site packaged as an opportunity for youth to "speak for themselves". It's a bit of a head scratcher. Of course youth are already, and always have been, speaking for themselves. And the Internet is one of the richest sites to find such speech. So a self-serving site by a marketing company is a bit hard to swallow as an innovative or radical idea. Why is it that people in positions of power and privilege stop always confuse their inability to listen with marginalized groups inability to speak. We the marginalized (youth aren't the only ones with fewer rights) are all speaking, all the time. We even sometime yell and bang on the window trying to get your attention. If you want to hear what we have to say, just show up, and listen. Admittedly is not an easy task. But I digress. Despite the flimsy premise, and many posts that seem to be written by youth who are working in marketing (at least I think that's what they do, many of them refer to working for "agencies" which I'm pretty sure isn't the euphemism I'm used to it being), I came across a short piece that I just loved. Written by a journalism and philosophy student Alex Pearlman, and called My Decision To Take A Lover, it's well worth reading. In it Pearlman tries to carve out of the media mess that is young sexual representation, something of her own experience. She describes the struggle to find time to make any sort of sexual contact, and the differences between partners, hook ups, booty calls, and lovers. She writes: "A lover is not a boyfriend. A lover is not a friend with benefits. A lover is a person you meet who you maybe go out with once or twice, but, let's face it, you don't have time to devote yourself to. A lover is more than a booty call, and although they do serve a similar purpose, a lover is more than just sex." The piece is funny and personal and practical (how great to read something about sex that manages to be both evocative of the joy of sex and deal with real life stuff like paying rent and getting work done). It's not without its idealism. I wish Pearlman were right when she suggests that a lover is the "one person in your life that isn't stressful" when in reality, if you keep your lover long enough, stress will come. But it feels more like hope and promise instead of hype or pollyannish. I'd love to quote more of it here, but you should just go read it. Read more - My Decision to Take a Lover (from The Next Great Generation or direct from Alex Pearlman's Blog) Recommended Reading: Of Youth and Lovers originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 00:01:06. Permalink | Comment | Email this Successful Women Have Male Names? 100% Fabulous [Gratuitous Nude]
John Marcotte's Marriage Protection Act Knowing and Not Knowing: A Critique of Online STD Testing Services I recently got a press request from, You Never Really Know, a website that offers STD testing facilitation. They've got a Valentine's promotion going. You sign up, download a form, take it to a lab, and then get your test results delivered to you via email. If you get a positive result there is also a phone consultation with a doctor (though not a lot of details about what that means). It's a for profit venture. Government health departments and not-for-profits have been experimenting for some time with using technology to reduce the barriers for people to get tested. Clinics offer text messages, websites that connect you with "non-traditional" testing sites, and other services that are similar to You Never Really Know. I was curious and while I haven't used their services (ahem...I'm not bragging, but being Canadian I get my STD testing gratis) I went to have a closer look at the site. There's an important discussion worth having about STD testing services that don't require people to interact in person with health care professionals in order to get tested and get test results back. Because these services eliminate the opportunity for pre- and post-test counseling in real life, they eliminate an opportunity to make sure information about STD transmission and protection methods are delivered and understood. They also create a situation where someone is getting potentially very troubling news when they are by themselves. What are the social and psychological repercussions of delivering test results online? On the other hand we shouldn't assume that pre- and post-test counseling is always necessary or beneficial. It might seem common sense that it's better to get bad news from a human being in real life, but common sense doesn't always reflect lived experience, and if having to go to a clinic stops someone from getting tested in the first place, isn't it better for them to get tested and know their STD status? No easy answers. Still, I know a lot of health educators share my trepidation about for profit companies moving further and further into the STD business. I'm all for increased access, but given the cost of the site, and their marketing methods, I'd have to say that this particular approach leaves me with more concerns than compliments. First there's the name. It's fear based, of course, which is obnoxious and just a teeny bit mean from my perspective. It encourages this idea that our darkest secrets are ones that can be discovered by testing our bodily fluids (not true) and, not to get too philosophical, it suggests that we can really know something. It also sets up false promises and false dichotomies. The world is not divided into those things you "really know" and those you don't. Pretending it is, so you can construct some safer reality that customers can access for 9 doesn't make it so. The false promises begin with their #1 reason for getting tested: "Enjoy sex with total peace of mind. Be positive you're negative." I don't want to get into a promise competition with these folks, but my #1 promise to you is that getting tested isn't going to deliver sex with "total peace of mind", and that plenty of people who know and don't know about their STD status do and don't have good sex, regardless of their STD status. Yes, if you're constantly worried about your status, getting tested may alleviate those fears. It might not though. Maybe you need to talk to someone about the worry itself? Another piece of marketing on the site is worth mentioning. In comparing their service to going to see a doctor, they ask: "...why pay 50% more for a doctor visit when you can get the same tests your doctor runs for less? And, really, do you want to make an appointment, wait in the waiting room, and deal with the embarrassment and hassle? Of course not. And who has the time? We're here to help you get tested privately, easily and for half the cost." So first of all, they have no way of knowing that their service is half of what you might pay. Second, all labs like this have waiting rooms. You might be waiting there. I don't know what to say about the "embarrassment and hassle" piece. It's true, a lot of people don't want to deal with that. But most people don't want to floss or admit to a partner that they had unprotected sex outside their relationship. The question is; what does it mean to offer an alternative by deepening people's anxiety and fear about sex? Is there a way of offering the same alternative without the pat pat on the head? Being Canadian, and being a member of a worker co-operative which is in many ways anti-capitalist, I'm aware that I invoke a for-profit/not-for-profit dichotomy, perhaps too quickly and easily. The fact is that many not-for-profits run sexual health clinics that either are either for profit or function as for profit centers. I don't think that a Planned Parenthood clinic, for example, particularly from the perspective of someone who is poor, is any more accessible than a site like this one. But I do think it matters when an organization has other clearly stated and concretely acted upon goals other than profit. It's reflected in the way they talk about sex and the way they market. All marketing is distortion of one sort or another, the question is, and how much is left out of the marketing message? Organizations that have obligations beyond shareholders tend to leave more in, and when it comes to sex I think the more we know the better. At the very least, I'd like my STD testing experience to include voices that don't make me more afraid. Not just because I don't like being afraid, but because I don't think that fear helps, at all. In many ways I think this kind of service is a harbinger of things to come in a sexual world of ubiquitous computing. For profit enterprise will often develop consumer services way ahead of public health departments. It's the nature of those particular beasts. But I don't want to glorify government health services, either. I definitely don't have an answer to what's best, or even what's better. I know there's a problem, and I know enough to know that there's no easy solution. I guess my biggest problem with testing services like You Never Really Know is that they're trying to sell you on the idea that you can know, and once you know, everything will be alright. I may not know a lot, but I know enough to know that's not true. Know what I mean?
Knowing and Not Knowing: A Critique of Online STD Testing Services originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 00:01:48. Permalink | Comment | Email this Win a Free Hooters Gift Card! Vivid Comes Up With Best Idea Ever [Upcoming]
What's Casual About Casual Sex? My friend and colleague Heather Corinna (founder of Scarleteen and sex educator extraordinaire) is doing a large survey on multi-generational experiences with and attitudes about casual sex. Heather is simply one of the smartest sex people I know, and every conversation I have with her could go on for days. But since we're both busy I just went and participated in the survey, and it inspired to to think more than I ever had before about what exactly we're talking about when we talk about casual sex. Chance encounters, one-night stands, hook ups, anonymous sex, meaningless sex, friends with benefits, booty call, the zipless fuck. All of these are terms people have used to describe what researchers and an increasing number of media pop psychologists call casual sex. The terminology has changed over time, but one might argue that our fascination with casual sex has never wavered. But with so many terms, what exactly do we mean when we talk about casual sex? How Researcher's Define Casual Sex Despite variations one consistent element to most definitions of casual sex is that it is sex with someone you don't consider to be a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, and that it is sex without any significant relationship commitments attached. Some researchers attach a time period to casual sex; labeling casual sex, for example, as sex with someone you have known for two weeks or less. Again, there is no general agreement on what the term means, but here are some of the other ways that researchers have bracketed casual sex as separate and unique from other sexual encounters:
Each of these points could be thought of as describing a continuum on which we all plant ourselves, determining where our line is between casual and non-casual sex. "Most People's" Definition of Casual Sex What's Casual About Casual Sex? Casual sex, on the other hand, is sex without a particular meaning or possible sex that has no meaning at all outside of the actual sexual encounter. When sex is casual, I think the word is used to mean that the sex is detached from those traditional sexual and gender scripts. This is, I would suggest, precisely what is so threatening about casual sex. Casual sex isn't sex by the rules. Casual sex thumbs it's nose (or other body parts) at convention by being something that is supposed to meaningful but may mean nothing at all. This isn't to say that casual sex is inherently radical or even a good thing. Rather that casual sex is threatening on a social level because it calls into question many of our foundational beliefs about sex. That may also be what makes it so attractive for some. A Modestly Proposed Definition of Casual Sex Casual sex that takes place without any commitment beyond the sexual encounter. It might be with strangers, friends, or even old lovers. But the defining characteristic of casual sex, what makes it casual, is the separation of the sexual encounter from a sexual or intimate relationship. Casual sex might be considered a little Taoist; by not meaning any one thing, casual sex may mean any number of things. Frustratingly for some, it may be that the defining feature of casual sex is that it evades any concrete definition.
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