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Doing It Decent - Buying Sex Toys for Teens Once a month Doing It Decent considers the ethics of a sexual situation from our readers. Grappling with a touchy sexual ethics issue? Send an email to sexuality.guide@about.com. All questions will be posted anonymously with identifying information removed. This week's question: Buying Sex Toys for Teens I watched the episode of Oprah where she had a doctor on who recommended buying vibrators for your teenager. I have several vibrators myself and I had never thought about it before, but I have a teenage daughter and would have no problem getting her one. But I'm not sure what she'd think about it. Also, I'm divorced and I know my ex would completely disapprove. I could really use your advice. My parents never bought me a vibrator. But I remember when I saw my first vibrator. It was tucked between the headboard and mattress of my parents king size bed. It was one of those old school coil style massagers that didn't look sexual at all. Yet somehow, as soon as I flipped the switch I knew what it was for. I also remember the first time I discovered their stash of porn magazines, and when I first discovered that some of the books on their shelves were full of stories of people having sex (just looking at the spines they all looked the same - boring). My father was a sex therapist and my mother was a librarian, so I may not have had the most typical of sexual upbringings, but I often think about those moments of discovery and as an adult I easily identify them as part of my sexual development. It's hard to know how that process would have been different if my parents had taken me shopping for porn magazines, or handed me a vibrator for my 14th birthday. I think it's safe to say that these parental choices might have resulted in awkwardness, but probably wouldn't have damaged me too badly. I offer this alternative narrative not to suggest that you should or shouldn't buy your teenage daughter a vibrator, but simply to point out that the path of least resistance isn't always the way to go; and that sexual development happens in many ways. Before I respond to your two-pronged question, and because this is a column about sexual ethics, it behooves me to point out that the Oprah episode of which you speak, an episode I've only seen clips from but have been directed to dozens of times by readers, is itself an example of questionable ethics. Not on Oprah's part, but on the part of the guest, Jennifer Berman. Berman is a psychologist and an Oprah regular. She also shills for one of the big sex toy companies. Her branded products are of passable but not exceptional quality. From several, equally interesting vantage points, appearing on a television program as a sexual health professional and pushing your own sex toys isn't the most ethical of things to do. That's for another column. Back to your question. I'd have to say the first part, whether or not you should by your teenager a vibrator isn't, in and of itself, an ethical question. The fact that you're not sure how your daughter will react suggests to me that your first step should be to ask her. Actually your first step might be to broach the subject. Have you ever talked about sex toys before? You might want to check in to see if it's okay if you ask her about it and then start with more general questions (does she know about them? do her and her friends ever talk about them? does she know anyone who has ever tried a sex toy?) Unless you talk about sex all the time, approaching her with "how would you feel if I bought you a vibrator?" might be jarring. Remember that every conversation you have about sex is an opportunity for learning (for both of you!) and it's also a chance to model respectful boundaries about sex. Ethically speaking, the second part of your question is where it's at. What you're asking is whether or not it's ethical to do something that you know clearly conflicts with the values of someone you are co-parenting with? In this case you believe that to raise a sexually healthy daughter you should buy her a vibrator, so how much should you take into account the values of a co-parent? Before I dive in, I want to remind us both that asking whether this is ethical may be very different from asking whether it's smart or prudent or wise. There are many situations where our actions would be better guided by the latter questions than the former. What I want to ask in this situation is where do your ethical duties lie. And who are you responsible to, or responsible for? It's a perfect example of how complicated and tangled things get when we become families. One way to approach this question is to think about who in this situation you have an ethical obligation to, and what those obligations are. Let's make a list. Keep reading...who do you answer to when it comes to raising sexually healthy teens? Got a question of sexual ethics? Previously - Cyber Faking It ; Is Public Sex Ethical? ; If They Don't Ask, Do You Tell? ; Loud Sex in the House ; Herpes, When Do I Tell? Doing It Decent - Buying Sex Toys for Teens originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 00:01:24. Permalink | Comment | Email this Knowing and Not Knowing: A Critique of Online STD Testing Services I recently got a press request from, You Never Really Know, a website that offers STD testing facilitation. They've got a Valentine's promotion going. You sign up, download a form, take it to a lab, and then get your test results delivered to you via email. If you get a positive result there is also a phone consultation with a doctor (though not a lot of details about what that means). It's a for profit venture. Government health departments and not-for-profits have been experimenting for some time with using technology to reduce the barriers for people to get tested. Clinics offer text messages, websites that connect you with "non-traditional" testing sites, and other services that are similar to You Never Really Know. I was curious and while I haven't used their services (ahem...I'm not bragging, but being Canadian I get my STD testing gratis) I went to have a closer look at the site. There's an important discussion worth having about STD testing services that don't require people to interact in person with health care professionals in order to get tested and get test results back. Because these services eliminate the opportunity for pre- and post-test counseling in real life, they eliminate an opportunity to make sure information about STD transmission and protection methods are delivered and understood. They also create a situation where someone is getting potentially very troubling news when they are by themselves. What are the social and psychological repercussions of delivering test results online? On the other hand we shouldn't assume that pre- and post-test counseling is always necessary or beneficial. It might seem common sense that it's better to get bad news from a human being in real life, but common sense doesn't always reflect lived experience, and if having to go to a clinic stops someone from getting tested in the first place, isn't it better for them to get tested and know their STD status? No easy answers. Still, I know a lot of health educators share my trepidation about for profit companies moving further and further into the STD business. I'm all for increased access, but given the cost of the site, and their marketing methods, I'd have to say that this particular approach leaves me with more concerns than compliments. First there's the name. It's fear based, of course, which is obnoxious and just a teeny bit mean from my perspective. It encourages this idea that our darkest secrets are ones that can be discovered by testing our bodily fluids (not true) and, not to get too philosophical, it suggests that we can really know something. It also sets up false promises and false dichotomies. The world is not divided into those things you "really know" and those you don't. Pretending it is, so you can construct some safer reality that customers can access for 9 doesn't make it so. The false promises begin with their #1 reason for getting tested: "Enjoy sex with total peace of mind. Be positive you're negative." I don't want to get into a promise competition with these folks, but my #1 promise to you is that getting tested isn't going to deliver sex with "total peace of mind", and that plenty of people who know and don't know about their STD status do and don't have good sex, regardless of their STD status. Yes, if you're constantly worried about your status, getting tested may alleviate those fears. It might not though. Maybe you need to talk to someone about the worry itself? Another piece of marketing on the site is worth mentioning. In comparing their service to going to see a doctor, they ask: "...why pay 50% more for a doctor visit when you can get the same tests your doctor runs for less? And, really, do you want to make an appointment, wait in the waiting room, and deal with the embarrassment and hassle? Of course not. And who has the time? We're here to help you get tested privately, easily and for half the cost." So first of all, they have no way of knowing that their service is half of what you might pay. Second, all labs like this have waiting rooms. You might be waiting there. I don't know what to say about the "embarrassment and hassle" piece. It's true, a lot of people don't want to deal with that. But most people don't want to floss or admit to a partner that they had unprotected sex outside their relationship. The question is; what does it mean to offer an alternative by deepening people's anxiety and fear about sex? Is there a way of offering the same alternative without the pat pat on the head? Being Canadian, and being a member of a worker co-operative which is in many ways anti-capitalist, I'm aware that I invoke a for-profit/not-for-profit dichotomy, perhaps too quickly and easily. The fact is that many not-for-profits run sexual health clinics that either are either for profit or function as for profit centers. I don't think that a Planned Parenthood clinic, for example, particularly from the perspective of someone who is poor, is any more accessible than a site like this one. But I do think it matters when an organization has other clearly stated and concretely acted upon goals other than profit. It's reflected in the way they talk about sex and the way they market. All marketing is distortion of one sort or another, the question is, and how much is left out of the marketing message? Organizations that have obligations beyond shareholders tend to leave more in, and when it comes to sex I think the more we know the better. At the very least, I'd like my STD testing experience to include voices that don't make me more afraid. Not just because I don't like being afraid, but because I don't think that fear helps, at all. In many ways I think this kind of service is a harbinger of things to come in a sexual world of ubiquitous computing. For profit enterprise will often develop consumer services way ahead of public health departments. It's the nature of those particular beasts. But I don't want to glorify government health services, either. I definitely don't have an answer to what's best, or even what's better. I know there's a problem, and I know enough to know that there's no easy solution. I guess my biggest problem with testing services like You Never Really Know is that they're trying to sell you on the idea that you can know, and once you know, everything will be alright. I may not know a lot, but I know enough to know that's not true. Know what I mean?
Knowing and Not Knowing: A Critique of Online STD Testing Services originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 00:01:48. Permalink | Comment | Email this No, It's Not A Rozlyn Papa Sex Tape [Sextapes]
Sex isn't Popular What's Casual About Casual Sex? My friend and colleague Heather Corinna (founder of Scarleteen and sex educator extraordinaire) is doing a large survey on multi-generational experiences with and attitudes about casual sex. Heather is simply one of the smartest sex people I know, and every conversation I have with her could go on for days. But since we're both busy I just went and participated in the survey, and it inspired to to think more than I ever had before about what exactly we're talking about when we talk about casual sex. Chance encounters, one-night stands, hook ups, anonymous sex, meaningless sex, friends with benefits, booty call, the zipless fuck. All of these are terms people have used to describe what researchers and an increasing number of media pop psychologists call casual sex. The terminology has changed over time, but one might argue that our fascination with casual sex has never wavered. But with so many terms, what exactly do we mean when we talk about casual sex? How Researcher's Define Casual Sex Despite variations one consistent element to most definitions of casual sex is that it is sex with someone you don't consider to be a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, and that it is sex without any significant relationship commitments attached. Some researchers attach a time period to casual sex; labeling casual sex, for example, as sex with someone you have known for two weeks or less. Again, there is no general agreement on what the term means, but here are some of the other ways that researchers have bracketed casual sex as separate and unique from other sexual encounters:
Each of these points could be thought of as describing a continuum on which we all plant ourselves, determining where our line is between casual and non-casual sex. "Most People's" Definition of Casual Sex What's Casual About Casual Sex? Casual sex, on the other hand, is sex without a particular meaning or possible sex that has no meaning at all outside of the actual sexual encounter. When sex is casual, I think the word is used to mean that the sex is detached from those traditional sexual and gender scripts. This is, I would suggest, precisely what is so threatening about casual sex. Casual sex isn't sex by the rules. Casual sex thumbs it's nose (or other body parts) at convention by being something that is supposed to meaningful but may mean nothing at all. This isn't to say that casual sex is inherently radical or even a good thing. Rather that casual sex is threatening on a social level because it calls into question many of our foundational beliefs about sex. That may also be what makes it so attractive for some. A Modestly Proposed Definition of Casual Sex Casual sex that takes place without any commitment beyond the sexual encounter. It might be with strangers, friends, or even old lovers. But the defining characteristic of casual sex, what makes it casual, is the separation of the sexual encounter from a sexual or intimate relationship. Casual sex might be considered a little Taoist; by not meaning any one thing, casual sex may mean any number of things. Frustratingly for some, it may be that the defining feature of casual sex is that it evades any concrete definition.
What's Casual About Casual Sex? originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Friday, March 5th, 2010 at 00:01:48. Permalink | Comment | Email this It's Not Too Late for Sex:Tech 2010
Next Friday the 3rd Annual Sex:Tech Conference kicks off, focusing on Internet and mobile technologies and STD/HIV prevention for youth. Each year the conference has grown and each year I learn more at Sex:Tech than at most of the other conferences I attend, combined. It's not just the tech side of things, the conference brings together folks working in sexual health at so many levels and with such diverse populations, that every session and every hallway conversation is a little revelation. The conference is put on by Internet Sexuality Information Services (ISIS), an organization which I volunteer for as a board member. Sex:Tech is in many ways a perfect reflection of what they do every day. ISIS is always working, and working on many levels. They're with public health departments and small non-profit start ups. They work with big media companies and grass roots community organizers and activists. To every project they not only bring a depth and breadth of experience, they bring an approach that's intelligent, open minded and big hearted. This year's 16 workshops and three plenaries cover a wide range of topics, populations, and ways of doing sexual health education and promotion, from working with marginalized youth (locally and nationally) to feminist approaches to sex education to new tools for doing sexual health research online to the use of online video in college level activism and consciousness raising. True to their multi-tasking nature, they're also using the conference to further like minded work overseas; you can bring your old cell phone(s) to Sex:Tech and they'll get them to health educators who need the hardware. Finally, I'm excited about this year's contest. The first year they had a video contest where youth made videos of their vision for the future of sex education. This year ISIS teamed up with MTV, Say Now and Funny or Die for the Say What?!?! Contest. They asked people to call in and share the best or worst sex advice they ever got when they were kids. They received thousands of entries and the winners have been chosen (you can hear the winning and runner up entries on the site). The very deserving winners (you'll agree once you listen) get flown to LA and will perform in a Funny or Die video inspired by their story.
It's Not Too Late for Sex:Tech 2010 originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Friday, February 19th, 2010 at 00:01:02. Permalink | Comment | Email this Shannon Kane Has "Brooklyn's Finest" Boobs [Movies] Who'd have thought that a gritty crime drama set in Brooklyn would have a steamy sex scene with a whole lot of boobage? Probably just about anyone who's ever seen a gritty crime drama, actually. (Bonus: no Dennis Franz ass.) [NB: Do not adjust your speakers. The clip does, in fact, seem to be silent.] · "Brooklyn's Finest" (imdb.com) Sex Work and Disability Reconsidered Bethany Stevens, on her new Crip Confessions blog, has a post about sex work and disability that's well worth reading. On the few occasions when the topic of sex work and disability comes up, it's usually presented in simple ways. It's either a radical topic that makes you think and then affirm your groovy sex positiveness. Or it's a travesty, a double exploitation (after all, to the narrow minded and paternalistic on the left and the right, who are better pity targets than sex workers and disabled people? Imagine that telethon). In fairness, this topic isn't something people have written or talked much about publicly, so the discussion is new. Which makes Stevens' commentary all the more exciting, as it begins to untangle a complex mess of issues and experience. Her focus in the post isn't as much the public discussion as it is the existence of government policy that funds sex specifically for people with disabilities. It's a policy that irks her, and she writes: While many disabled people are economically ghettoized, the framing of policy like this reinforces the charitable model of disability by implicating that disabled people are sexually-deprived. It supports the already pervasive claim that disabled people are not sexually worthy and thereby must seek out the services of a professional, because few, if any, would voluntarily have sex with us. Note that Stevens' problem is not narrowly focused on the policy itself, it's with the framing of the policy. Indeed she goes on to talk about how these policies, while problematic, serve both practical and philosophical functions, calling us all to look not just at the policies and practices that surround sex work and disability, but at the conditions within which such policies and practices develop. Over the course of my many years as a sex educator working in both rehabilitation and disability communities, and as an ally to disabled friends, family, and lovers, these issues, both in theory and practice, have come up often. I remember a man I corresponded with in Germany who had access to direct funding from the government in order to pay for services he needed related to his disability. But he was required to submit receipts and, essentially, justify any expenses which weren't standard on the government forms. He was able to use the money for things like massage, talk therapy, homeopathy, etc... He wanted to use his money for sex work as well, and he didn't see this as fundamentally different (he described all these things as human needs). Whatever I, or anyone else, thinks of the way he experiences sex work, the bottom line was that because of his disability he was required to justify what he would spend his money on, something that I as a non-disabled person would never have to do. Were I living in Germany I wouldn't have to do this with tax refunds, I wouldn't have to do this with unemployment insurance, I wouldn't have to do it period. From my perspective (which is, of course, heavily informed by being currently non-disabled) this is first and foremost an issue of access. In the case of the man from Germany this is probably fair because he was identifying it as an access issue. The problem, which Stevens so skillfully teases out, is that I (we?) can easily generalize and say this is always an issue of access, and sometimes come to believe that this is only an issue of access. Stevens points out that this is about much more than access. Embedded in the do-gooder sex-positive agenda that says people with disabilities should have free access to sex workers is a denial of other important ways that disabled people are systemically denied sexual rights. The lived experience of many people with visible disabilities is that it's much much harder to find sexual partners. Random hook ups, long term relationships, monogamous marriages, you name it. If you look disabled you get the message that these things aren't for you. I've been involved in a couple of different ways in making connections individually and organizationally between sex worker groups and disability activists. I do think that there are important access issues that need to be addressed. But Stevens post is a welcome reminder for me that when I only focus on access, I'm not only missing out, I'm shutting out, which is the opposite of how I want to live my life. Read more - Crip Confessions: Paying for Pleasure: Interrogating Sex Work for Crips Previously - Sex Work Debate and a Denmark Nursing Home ; Sex Work and Disability ; Adult Film Offers a Good Opportunity to Talk About Sex and Disability Related - Sexuality and Disability Resources on About.com Sex Work and Disability Reconsidered originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 00:01:20. Permalink | Comment | Email this Tipping the Scales on Sex Addiction Since the DSM working group began announcing their proposals for new sexual diagnoses, I've been slowly making my way through the research that their proposals are based on, trying to glean some idea of how they arrived at what sometimes seem like fantastical proposals for the next twenty years of psychiatric intervention in our sex lives. In the meantime the media's fascination with sex addiction has increased, thanks to the latest celebrity sex news (I'm waiting for someone to call Mo'Nique's husband a sex addict and Mo'Nique herself an enabler based on her refreshing honesty in an interview with Barbara Walters about her marriage). You don't need me to point you to articles that misunderstand and misrepresent sex addiction. That's most of them. I thought I'd point out two articles in the past two months that try to do the opposite. Michael Bader - Sex Addiction: A B.S. Excuse for Not Thinking Raymond Lawrence - America's Sexual Burlesque: The Brave New World of Sexual Addiction Related - What Is Sex Addiction? ; Am I A Sex Addict? ; What's Wrong with Sex Addiction?
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